highs and lows (this is how it is).

On Saturday, I overslept and missed an appointment.

(A guaranteed way to start off the day shitty.)

The night before I had been feeling quite low, and so I turned my phone on Do Not Disturb, shutting out the world while completely forgetting I needed my alerts to be on for the next morning. 

So, my Saturday started off groggy, followed by a slight feeling of panic, followed by a feeling of disappointment in myself.

I skipped my morning meditation practice, and instead I slowly sipped my morning coffee as I gazed at the big trees in my backyard and listened to music.
“This is a good enough meditation for today,” I convinced myself. 

I decided to walk to the yoga studio for a class, hopeful that by taking a nice long walk and getting a good sweat in, my day would turn around.

The moment I laid down on my yoga mat, it was clear: I was very sad. And my heart was very tender. Which is probably why I couldn’t bring myself to sit in meditation that morning; I just didn’t want to feel as low as I knew I was. But once I found stillness on my yoga mat, there was no running from how I felt. 

Class was particularly great that day. The sequence was fun and dynamic, and though my balance was a little off that morning, my body felt strong moving through the poses, and cleansed after shedding puddles of sweat.
I did feel a little better, but largely my emotions had been unchanged.

I then walked a couple blocks down the street to a cafe I had been meaning to try. I ordered a cortado, and purchased a bundle of flowers they were selling at the counter. It was some of the yummiest coffee I’d had in a long time, and my new flowers were absolutely gorgeous and delicate; shades of pink and yellow emanating a feeling of pure sunshine.

I did the things that usually make me happy: take a walk, do some yoga, sit in the sun sipping a delicious cup of coffee and holding pretty flowers. I could see the beauty and feel the joy in it all…yet, my heart was still so tender. I was feeling lonely and so sensitive; the slightest blip of certain thoughts or memories passing through my mind brought an ache to my chest and tears to my eyes.

This sadness didn’t come out of nowhere. It had been building for a while. And while things in my life were pretty damn good, an undercurrent of heartache had been underneath the surface for some time. And over the past week or so, it had started to rise to the forefront, feeling heavier and bigger, taking up more space in my body and soul.

I tried to save the day a few more times to no avail. So around sunset, I resigned myself back to my patio, listening to music that put me in touch with my blues as I stared up at the trees and watched the birds. 

I surrendered to what my heart was going through. Fuck it. I’m just low today. No use in trying to change that. It is what it is. I took some slow, deep breaths as I curled up with a hot cup of tea, allowing my feelings to be what they were.


–

But when the sun was just about to set, I got a call from a friend I had been thinking about that day, and they showed up at my place within the hour. We spent really good, quality time together, as I both shared about what was on my heart that day, and forgot about it entirely. 

The next thing I knew, my mood was changing.

I woke up Sunday refreshed. I made sure not to forget the appointment I had that morning, and when it was done I headed out to spend the afternoon with my best friend–my oldest friend and soul sister. We grabbed a couple of cappuccinos and took them to a hiking trail neither of us had been to yet. We made our way down to a small creek, sat on a big rock and talked about life next to the flowing water. Before dropping her off we made a stop at Barnes and Noble, and each picked up a new book.

When I arrived back home, I drew myself a bath and dove into my book. I made myself a yummy meal. And after dinner I took a nice long walk at sunset, admiring the beauty of Spring. 

Sunday was a good day.
And though the sun shined bright on Saturday, Sunday was somehow brighter.

—

Something about the microcosm of my (relatively mundane) Saturday and Sunday, reminded me that this is life. There’s no getting around it: there are highs, and there are lows. Some days I feel the depths of my heartache, and some days I feel the heights of my blessings.

And my mood didn’t just change spontaneously. The cause was clear:
it was connection that revived me. 

There’s a time and place for solitude, and even sorrow. It’s in those solitary moments that I can get quiet enough to be real with myself, with what’s really going on deep in my heart, mind and body. As much as I don’t want to feel sad, sometimes I do. And that part of me needs my attention. Tears need to be shed.

But nothing is forever. No moment in time, no mood or emotion…we’re not meant to be in the lows forever.

As much as I honor and see the value in my solitude, I need people. I need connection. I need to know that I am not alone, and that I’m loved, and that there’s a hand for me to hold, lips to kiss my cheek, and arms to hold me. 

(Being with others doesn’t always cure the sads…but often it does.)

When I’m experiencing the lows, I don’t want to be. Like everyone I don’t want to feel bad. I don’t want to feel loneliness, sorrow, grief, or regret. 

On the other hand, when I’m experiencing the highs, I want it to be like that forever. And some delusional part of me believes it could be. 

Sometimes there’s a perfect cure for the lows. But sometimes there just isn’t. You just need to sit with it. Just feel. Surrender to the moment, despite it not being the kind of moment you wish it were.

But what I was reminded of as Saturday turned to Sunday, is that in a moment, a weary heart can transform into a full one.
 

Things always change. That person you wanted to hear from calls. You have that talk with your bestie. You touch a few trees. You stop and smell the roses. That song hits your soul in just the right way that offers you hope. 

What I was reminded of as Saturday turned to Sunday, is that whether the day is low or high, I can choose to be radically present. I can promise myself to never take any of it for granted: the solitude that connects me deeper to myself, as well as the connections I’m blessed with…

all the while, sipping my coffee slowly, and gazing up at the trees, and taking a big whiff of the flowers, and looking into my friend’s eyes.

All the while, honoring that right now, this is how it is. 

–

At the beginning of 2024, the word that was on my heart was love. I felt a calling to step into love in a way I hadn’t before. And as the year is unfolding, and we’re transitioning out of Winter and into Spring, I feel that the love I’m being called to step into, is a love that doesn’t run away from pain, nor cling to happiness as if it’ll never come back. 

This love offers grace. Grace to be, just as we are, right where we are. As I’m more and more able to extend that grace to myself, and allow the low moments to be what they need to be, it’s as if a divine Grace swoops in swiftly, in the form of a friend, or a beautiful flower, that brings the light right back to me. 
 

I hope that whether right now, you feel high, or low, or somewhere in between, you can practice extending love to the moment you’re in. Knowing it won’t be here forever.

May we not cling to the highs, nor reject the lows, but instead be radically, lovingly present for it all.

Sending you so much love,
Carly